Mouth of Madness

I have known for a long time that I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. I have never gone and talked to a doctor about it, but I have this thing with germs. Even when I was a little kid I would do stuff like put a towel down in the bathtub before I got into the shower. It has never really been something that I felt that I could not control. I hide it very well. There are a lot of things that bother me. One of the worst is shaking hands with other people. I always shake hands, it would be extremely rude other wise. I am always carrying the antiseptic hand gels, but I am able to control the urge to wash my hands right there in front of the person, but it is the only thing on my mind until I get a chance to get away so that I can wash my hands. As everyone that works with me knows, I am not to fond of babies. I get along with them ok as long as they are house trained. Last night my wifes nephews were at our house... I almost lost my fucking mind watching them wrestle on my couch... needless to say I busted out with the lysol after they left. I am fairly sure that my problem is the main reason I hate kids. I should rephrase that, I do not hate kids, I get along great with other peoples kids as long as they go home. I play even better with them if they are not at MY house. There are many other things that I often do that no one ever notices. A lot of people think I really like to stand, and really I don't mind standing, but the thought of sitting down on other peoples furniture.... Oh My God. especially at peoples houses who have children. I take ATLEAST three showers a day, usually more. I have never in my life used a public toilet, for the most part I can deal with urinals. I will obsess over the fact that a person does not wash his hands when done with the public restrooms. I mean obsess. I will think about it for hours afterwards. Im sure this is one of the reasons that shaking hands is my number one issue. There are many other things that I do, and I keep it very well concealed. My wife knows about my issues, but I do not think that she notices all the things I do. Of coarse she is very aware of all the showers I take. None of this was anything that I could never control. I had one incident about a month or two ago. I had ran into an old aquaintance who looked nasty. He had pinkeye (which was not the main thing that bothered me) when I went to shake his hands I saw that his fingernails were long and absolutely filthy. I mean goddamn they were horrible. After I shook his hand I made a quick exit, and got into my car. I could not breathe. I drove to my nearest friends house and scrubbed my hands and arms like they were the fucking plague. So after scrubbing down for a minimum of five minutes, I then proceeded to take soap and water out to my car where I scrubbed the inside of my car down for half and hour. I did not understand why I was doing it, just that I could not breathe or stop sweating. As soon as I was done with the inside of my car, I went home and took a shower, scrubbing my arms and hands even more. This was the only time that things really got out of control. In school when I was doing clinicals... I love trauma... blood and guts - right up my alley. It fascinates me. I have a Cousin who majored in psychology, and since has given me some advice that does not seem to do jack shit. He says that it is not strange that I enjoy medical stuff, since it is in a sterile enviroment and I am wearing protection, he says that may even be why I am so interested in it.... Most people that know me have absolutely no idea that I am this way. I am not embarrased of my insanity, and I really do not care if people know about it. The main reason I hide it and keep it to myself is that I could only imagine how insulting it would be to many. So don't take offense, it's just a quirk of mine, nothing personal.

I have a very good friend who has a serious addiction to meth. Normally I would just quit talking to this person after so much, but he has always been a very dependable person. I know he would give me his last dollar if I needed it. Every time that I talk with him, he either tells me how serious his addiction is or he downplays it, as if it was not a big deal. The reason I am writing about this is that I used to have some serious addiction problems, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what it was like to be that addicted. I know that I was shooting up atleast fifty dollars worth of cocaine a day, and I remember the symptons of my withdraws when I quit, but I do not remember what they felt like. I am 22 now and will turn 23 in april, I started seriously trying to quit drugs when I was 17 and was clean by my 18th birthday. So I realize that relatively speaking, 5 years is not a very long time to be clean, but it seems like a lifetime ago since the last time i used coke, meth, or any other drugs that I deem as unhealthy. I also realize that my major problem with narcotics was only about a three and a half year time period, but when I think about my drug days, it seems like a lifetime as well. I had done many horrible things during my addiction, and after stealing from my family and even my little brother on a constant basis, I realized that I had to give it up. I remember the sleepless nights and waking up covered in sweat. I had a constant headache and a very paranoid feeling at all times. I would start shaking involuntarily. If I saw any movies that involved needles or IVs, I would just want to curl up and cry. Strange that now I choose to follow the path of a medical career. One of the biggest factors in my decision to quit were the people I associated with. I was doing dope with people in their forties that still worked minimum wage jobs and lived in shithole homes. What kind of life is that? My friend has always been a pothead, now I personally can't stand pot, it gives me a headache. but I could care less if other people smoke it, and I believe that it should be legal. within the last six months he has started doing meth, it started out slow and then onto just weekends. he would never do it when he had to work. Now he doing it constantly, he will not answer his phone when I call if he is on it, because he knows I can tell just by talking to him. (benefit of once having been an addict, if i have children they will never get away with the shit) I feel like his mother, because I call him everyday to ask him if he is behaving himself. I just do not understand why he is addicted to it. He is doing the drugs with people in their 40s who smoke dope with their children... what kind of life is that... This guy is the only person that I will still associate with despite the narcotics, and that is only because he has always been there for me. he called me tonight saying that he is quitting, and normally I just blow this kind of thing off because it is not the first time, but tonight his family had an intervention so maybe it will work this time. I remember very clearly what the different drugs felt like, and how things looked, smelled, or tasted. I remember that I always had to have them, but I do not remember what that addiction, that urge that i had to have these drugs, felt like.

sitting around at work is pretty boring so we come up with strange things to think about. this was a subject sam brought up and im sure she is writing about it on her blog. http://titillatingtreat.blogspot.com/ . but i decided to steal her thoughts to add to my blog. shhh don't tell her. anyways she brought up the fact that her grandmother was married to her grandfather for many years until he passed away. after this she was married to another man for many years. the second husband died before she did. now this is the quandary, when her grandmother died she was buried next to the second husband.... how do you decide who you should be buried next to? i think i might be rather offended if i was the first husband.... strange stuff. by the way sam just got monitored on a call. this is a big deal because she always has perfect scores because the bosses just assume she knows what she is doing. this could not be further from the truth. anyways she just got monitored for the first time in god knows how long, and she did not get a perfect score. technically she should have a zero, but our supervisor is taking pity on her. hahahahaha sam sucks

on the news lately i have been hearing about these two dipshits that are suing their city of los cruces , NM. they are claiming that the symbol of the three crosses for los cruces which translates into "the crosses" is offensive to them and is not a seperation of church and state. i have stated in an earlier post that i am in fact an athiest, but i am not one of those pissed off at the world athiest. i think this is absolutely ridiculous. how the fuck can you expect to live in a city called the crosses and not see a damn cross??? i have seen interviews with these two people, but their religous beliefs or lack thereof have not been stated. so who the hell knows what is up the asses of these two nuts. i just wanted it to be known that not all athiest are crazy like these people, just like all the christians are not nuts as many are here in the bible belt where i live. I think it is ridiculous that religous books are banned in public schools, even for personal time. I could care less if the money has in god we trust or not. none of that bothers me. have all the damn statues of commandments or whatever you belive in that you want. the only thing that has been in the news that i DO agree with is the pledge of allegiance. It is my opinion that the "Under God" should be taken out. This may be for personal reasons, as i was suspended for refusing to say it in elementary school. At this time I was not absolutely an athiest but it is when i really started questioning my religous teachings at the time. But coming from a family that has more people of faith then agnostics or athiests like myself, I have discovered that people of all beliefs share my opinion. Most suprising to me is that i have not met a single minister, including my brother-in-law, that believes "under god" should be left in it. For the most part their opinions on the matter is if it was written by a minister, without the "under god", why are all these people mad about taking it out? good point. I knew educated people of faith would impress me every now and then. It was added to the pledge during the communist scare, seeing as how all communist must be dirtly little athiest, and would refuse to say under god. anyways thats my point of view on the subject. if i had more time i would throw my view on the creationism debate out there. i get off of work in half and hour, so to kill some time im gonna go sit outside, while on the clock, and smoke a couple of cigarettes. great job.

well im just sitting here bored at work. i have so much time to kill while here that i believe i have visited every website there is on the internet. anyways, proposition two just passed last week here in texas, and if i followed the local news i would have gone and voted against it. proposition two bans gay marriages or civil unions between same sex partners. i think that gay people have the right to go through all the shit that my wife and i go through as straight people. the kkk was marching in austin to show their support for propositon two last week, so everyone that voted for it can sleep better at night knowing that they have the kkk on their side. I am sure that during my lifetime same sex marriage will be legal and religiously accepted, just as interracial marriages were a couple decades ago. religion will always survive as long as they know how to quickly change views and say something that was a sin is now acceptable. but i expected that much living in texas.
I have had a couple of interesting debates here at work with my fellow employees. the most frustrating one to me is the prenuptual agreement debate. My position on the subject as a very sane and competent man is that there is absolutly nothing wrong with asking for a prenuptual, and that it is not a sign of untrust or discouragment. the other belief in this debate which comes from very irrational, man hating, crazy women, is that it is just a slap in the face and says you believe the marriage will end. i do not know if they are aware that asking for a prenuptual agreement is done by women just as often as it is by men. but then again women are just crazy so who cares what they think (99.87 % kidding). those crazy women can feel free to post their side of the argument on the comments.... the other on going debate is whether the death penalty is right or wrong. it is not so much a debate as it is a few of us trying to convince one guy that it is right. i think we just about have him convinced... this is texas after all, as ron white says we have an express lane when it comes to capitol punishment.
im looking forward to the governor elections next year (i have no idea how to spell ?gubanatorial?). the reason for this is that good old kinky friedman the comedian is running for governor of texas. i understand that willie nelson is helping with the fundraising for the campaign. not only do i think that kinky would make a good governor but i cannot wait until i get a bumper sticker that says "kinky for governor".
just about everyone that i work with has a blog, so several months ago i created one on xanga. i never took this blog seriously, it was all just perverted stuff relating to porn. i created it just so i could post comments on other peoples sites. i made this one so i could bitch about various things and put my opinions out there. but everyone keeps telling me i need to update my pervert one. so if i was not so fucking tired right now i would write some perverted stuff relating to my sex life at the moment, but it is just not in me right now. maybe tommorrow. i don't intend this blog to be an outrageously perverted blog, but i know im kind of a depraved wierdo, and it would be pointless to try to keep this blog 100% clean.

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now i am not a woman, so my point of view on the whole abortion thing does not matter, but i feel that i need to throw my warped opinion out there. There are so many people in the world that are just so fucking stupid, that i believe not only should abortion be a choice, but that it should be mandatory in some cases. I mean come on, the gene pool is getting pretty watered down now don't ya think. I have a perfect example, there is a woman i work with, i shall call her connie for personal amusement. Now i will not hold the fact that connie looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every damn branch on the way down against her, but my god she is so fucking dumb. she is in her forties i would guess, and is the absolute messiest woman i have ever met. she has ketchup, crumbs, and all sorts of other questionable stains all around her desk. it is a disaster zone. *edited out for un mentioned reasons*. connie has a lot of dislikes; she also believes that she does her job perfectly and that she is a good employee. this could not be further from the truth. apparently, one of her dislikes is being "chewed out" by someone younger then her. the funny thing about this is our boss is younger then her. so she thinks everyone is out to get her and no one knows what they are talking about because we are younger. she is going to be fired within weeks i would guess, but still the fact that we have people that are this moronic walking around and multiplying drives me fucking nuts. i personally have never met her child, so i maybe i am just an asshole, but i would be willing to bet that this child does not fall far from the tree. now i don't have time before i get off work to write about all the other examples of stupid people i think should have been aborted, or forced to have hysterectomies or vasectomies. i just had to write about "connie" today due to what i was told when i came to work. apparently, a friend had called my work to tell me that i left my cell phone at her house. connie had taken this message, and then proceeded to ask for my cell phone number so she could call me to tell me the message?????? what the fuck? i do not claim to be better than everyone, but i do know im better then alot of people. i just think that instead of arguing about whether abortion should be a choice or not, i think we should be forcing it upon some. i do not want to piss everyone off so let me state again that my opinion on abortion does not matter since i am not a woman. although i strongly believe that it is a womans choice and i would never hold it against anyone, i would never agree to have an abortion personally if i was put in the situation.

being an atheist, i get those annoying fucks that try to convert me and say that they will pray for me. one of the things that bothers me the most about this is that most of these so called christians have never even read the bible. why do people so adamantly claim to be a good christian when they know nothing about it. it is just so fucking irritating to me. just because your parents told you to believe in something since you were born does not mean you should just blindly believe in it. i will talk about the bible with some one and they will have no god damn clue what im saying. i could make stuff up and they would have no clue. don't get me wrong, i have many friends that are very well versed in the bible, and they are always great to have fun debates with. i went to church growing up. i have a sister who was a missionary just a year ago in mexico city, her husband is an ordained minister. so some people do have the right to claim being a christian. but all these people who are christian just because the have always been told to be one, its sad. its so fucking pathetic that I, as an atheist, make a much better christian than most christians. so if your a typical christian, and by typical i mean not educated in your religion, quit fucking telling people of other beliefs that they are going to your hell. same for some atheist. i do not like to discuss religion, and for the most part i keep my comments to myself and usually do not volunteer, without being asked, my beliefs, or lack thereof. but for the most part when i am speaking with another atheist, they are generally pissed about christianity. so they are no different then christians as in the fact that they get so pissed off at other people for having the audacity to believe in something different. so fuck uneducated christians, and fuck atheists too. i had to rant about this due to someone telling me they would pray for me, i know she is just kidding with me so i am not mad, but it made me think about the people who say it to me all the time that are not kidding. on another note. i might convert to mormonism. now i respect other peoples beliefs, but given the oppurtunity i will always berate the catholic and mormon religions in private. i have friends of both religions and would never let them know how i feel about their beliefs, and i will not discuss my disdain for those two religions here now. but with all the news lately of mormons of extreme sects still left in utah being arrested for polygamy... makes me think... i might convert just so i could have several wives. think about, more income, more sex, more cooks and maid service. the blowjobs alone, oh my god, i could have a wife on each nut. im not really a chauvinest, but still it would be nice. on the other hand, there might be more bitching and i could do with out that.

my mother is a rich woman... and with myself living on my own for the last four years, this has absolutely no effect on me; it does not mean that i have a dime to my name. so why would i mention it. glad you ask. she is taking one of her three or four annual vacations and it is my turn to house sit. my mother loves taking vacations. she does it quite often. but my siblings and I are always battling for the right to house sit. the great thing about this is i get to sit around and pretend im rich, eat her food, and spend her money. The bad news is she learned after having me as a child, that until my younger brother is out of the house, she cannot have a stocked bar. this means that my younger brother will invite all his friends over to drink all of MY damn liqour. oh well, you gotta take the bad with the good. the house my wife and i lived in prior to our current location was way to big for just the two of us. it was a three bedroom/three bathroom/two living rooms/ and an office. so we now live in a two bedroom one bathroom home. it would be perfect for us except that we have acquired a small zoo since moving in. the main problem being the great dane and the rottwieler which are both inside dogs. so since i have decided that i absolutely will not move again until im done with school, house sitting for my mother gives us more space with our animals for a short period. besides my wife and i still have not had sex in every room in her house so that should be fun.