Thursday, January 11, 2007 

My Medical Affliction

I am reading another book that talks about medical problems that still have unknown causes and such. I then came across the on a particular one, and it occured to me, all of these times I have written strange medical posts.... I never once talked about what was wrong with me. Alopecia Areata... No one knows for sure what causes it, but it is believed to be induced by stress. The doctor told me that it may be genetic since it happened to me in my twenties, but then again, no one really knows. It happened when I came back from boot camp and my father had just died in that wreck. Before I explain what it is, let me say that it was not permanent.... All of my damn hair started falling out. It started as a little bald spot on the back of my head. Then it was four little bald spots on various parts of my head... Eventually I just had patches of hair left. Now this was horribly embarrassing, but the treatment was worse then the affliction. To make my hair grow back, I had to go every three weeks to get a steroid shot and an acid treatment. That is right, acid. They put this shit on my head that would literally melt the flesh off of my head. So for three days following each treatment I would have liquid stuff and flesh dripping off of my head, then after that I would have dry chunks of flesh just falling off. I looked like I had leprosy, and it hurt like a mother fucker. I sincerely hope that it is a genetic thing, even though I am the first, because I want my little brother to get it for all of the shit he gave me.


Here are some pictures that I found on google... It starts out like this, but for me it was little lower on the back of my head.





Here is another




Then it turns into this... I am not sure if it got this bad on me... My hair was a little longer so I could cover it up better except for the two huge spots on the top of my head. When this happens to men, they can just shave their heads bald... But I did not want to.






Or this




Pretty shitty deal huh. Yeah I thought so at the time. Hopefully it never happens again.


While I am posting pictures.... I took a wierd picture of myself in the mirror, because everyone was bitching at me for not letting them take my picture. I have made it my profile picture on myspace. People have made many jokes about it rather in person, email, or on myspace. Anyway, here is the picture, followed by my favorite comment. It was my cousin Matt that left the comment.

"All I can think of is that scene in Silence of the Lambs where the crazy guy is looking into a mirror saying....Oh yeah. I'd fuck me... Then he does the tuck under. "

Tuesday, January 02, 2007 

Illness & a Bar Fight: My New Year's Eve

Knowing full well that I am allergic to avocados, I decided to eat some guacamole anyway. It was on new year's eve and I had not had a bite to eat all day long. I shortly thereafter regretted my lapse in judgement. My mother had called to let us know that she got some champagne for us, so we stopped by her house to grab it and this is when I made the mistake of eating the guacamole. As soon as I got home, it hit me. I started swelling up and wished that I could just shove my arm down my throat to scratch my insides. To make matters worse, I scarfed down a small bowl of chilli and a coke along with that guacamole, and it gave me the most severe heart burn I have ever had. So I am taking a shower to get ready to go out for the night, and I feel like death... I stick my head out of the bathroom door and have the following conversation with my wife....



me: "Babe, can you do me a big favor"? (I sound very sick, just for the record)

her: "Oh yeah baby, just how big is it"?

her: "Let me see it, I will take care of that big problem for you"

me: "No, I really need you to do me a favor"

her: "Of course honey, I would love to help you out"



She then proceeds to grab my crotch...... (she has this surprised look on her face, like what the fuck??)



me: "will you go to the store and get me some rolaids"

her: "oh"



So apparently, when it comes down to life or sex.... I would choose to live. Who would have thought???



It took me about an hour of lying in bed to recover enough for us to go out and celebrate new year's eve. We headed out the door and went to Polk street to meet our friends, and we ended up at Burberries. Amy's sister was there with her boyfriend, which was awkward since she just dumped our friend Hector, whom we were with. So we all headed to the lower level, while her sister stayed upstairs. We were all drinking and playing pool and just having a good ole time. Several of the guys that we were with, including Hector, are mexican. This plays in important role in the story here shortly. Anyway, midnight had come and gone, and around 1am, this fat guy comes by and knocks Hector's full beer off of the pool table and just keeps walking. I had even said something to the guy, but he either ignored me or just didn't hear me, so I informed Hector of who the culprit was. Hector later saw the guy walking back and approached him about the beer. The guy apologized and Hector told him not to worry about it. That fat son of a bitch then went over to his friends and they are started talking shit amongst themselves. After about a half hour of this another of our friends went and approached them, so of course we all followed behind him. They clearly stated that they did not want to fight and that there were no problems. We all started walking away and turned around just in time see our pal Mac throwing a punch... Apparently one of them grabbed his wife. So the fight was on... there were five of us and ten of them. Fortunately only three of them wanted to fight, while the other seven where trying to keep us all separated. Those three guys took their shirts off to show us their KKK and swastika tattoos that they had all over their bodies. They also proceeded to break beer bottles and cue sticks to use as weapons. They informed us (bragged) that two of them had just gotten out of prison and were ready to fight. All my pals informed them that they were marines and ready to go as well. Our wives, being the typical hysterical drunk women that drunk women can be, jumped right into the middle of it all. Rachel trying to stop the fight, and my wife trying to provoke it even more. Unfortunately, my wife started talking shit to the biggest son of a bitch in the building. Seriously he was massive and stood about six feet five inches. He was obviously pissed off at her because it was her that he was trying to get to, not any of us guys. After trying to throw some punches at my wife, he was able to grab her and threw her onto the pool table. Obviously the extensive training that our black belt friend had given her was useless. At this point one of the beast's sober friends picked her up and carried her away. I thanked that guy for this later. Mac and I were both able to get through the people seperating us and pushed this huge guy at the same time.... He barely budged, so I was thinking "this is great". By now the whole bar was in the lower room watching the event, and the bartender got hit in the head with a cue stick meant for me and mac. He ran to call the police. I am not sure what was happening with my other buddies, as they were trying to make it to the other two guys. All I know is they were being held back by a lot of people. So eventually the sober friends of these three pricks were able to drag them outside of the bar, and then came back to apologize profusely to us. Turns out the police arrested those three outside. We went back to playing pool and drinking until the bar closed. The police stayed for the rest of the night and escorted people who were leaving to their cars. So that was my night. One of the funnest new years I have had in awhile. Here is a picture of a couple of us toasting right after midnight. There are pictures on myspace.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006 

More Pictures

So we had a horrible ice storm here, and trees have been falling down everywhere. I went to my mother's house to borrow her digital camera so that I could take pictures of my yard. When I got there though, I was distracted by the half a tree sticking out of my little brother's truck... I started taking pictures of that, and then I started taking more pictures.... So below are various photos.
Here is my little brother's truck, but don't feel bad for him, because he is only sixteen and he has two trucks....














A branch that big fell on top of my car as well, but my SUV is tougher apparently. I took a picture of the inside of his truck, with the branch going all the way in it, but it did not turn out as well.
My baby, unharmed.













Here are some pictures of my mother's fat lazy dogs.... That beagle is so fucking fat, you would not believe it. I don't think he ever moves from that chair.














Here is her fat three legged cat. I should have put a dollar bill next to him for some perspective. He will be your best friend if you scratch his ear on the side that his leg is missing. He still goes through the movements of scratching himself... you just see his little nub shaking like crazy.














I don't know why I took a picture of this room... It is where I chill when I go to my mother's home. Yeah, she loves antiques.














Here is a picture of most of her diaries and letters from the 1700's and 1800's. If I outlive her, this will be mine. My brother and I went around calling dibbs on things, for after she dies. My sister was not there, so she is shit out of luck. Actually, I think she gets the house... But there will be nothing in it....



















Here is one of the diaries....
















And just for the hell of it, a halloween picture of my niece... There were none of my nephew on her camera, I wonder who her favorite is?


















Monday, December 04, 2006 

Sex Or Sleep? Experts Weigh In

It is almost 3am, and I just got home. On my way home I was driving next to this guy driving on his motorcycle.... Why mention it? Because it is 22 degrees farenheit outside.... what the fuck? Anyway, I was reading this article earlier. If you had to choose bewteen getting eight hours of sleep or more sex, which would you choose? I would have to go with the sex....


It’s late and the possibility of actually catching eight hours of sleep looms over the bed.
But for many pajama-clad people in healthy relationships, there’s something else on their minds when they crawl under the covers at night.


And then the million-dollar question surfaces: Sex or sleep?

NBC 10’s Cherie Bank recently set out to settle the sleep-versus-sex debate, finding many health benefits to both sides of the argument.

Obviously, the pleasure part of good sex is obvious.

Sex can also help people lose weight, ease pain and relieve stress.
“It increases your endorphins. It helps with relaxation and anxiety,” gynecologist Dr. Kara Nakisbendi said.

Love-makers can also put in a preslumber workout, burning up to 300 calories an hour, according to Nakisbendi.
Bank said sleep may not seem quite as sexy as, well, sex, but it’s just as healthy.
Research shows that getting enough sleep makes people feel more rested and allows them to function with better memory, concentration and focus.
On the other hand, a lack of sleep could turn into a nightmare of a day, according to sleep specialist Dr. Donald Peterson.

“You can gain weight from being sleepless,” Peterson said.

If pressed for time, giving up sex for sleep to catch enough Z’s will allow one’s blood pressure to lower and kidneys to relax.

Sleep also guards against type 2 diabetes and allows the sleeper’s brain to recharge, doctors said.

Now, back to sex.

If your heart’s desire is carnal knowledge, know that lovemaking will boost immune systems, lower cholesterol and improve relationships, according to studies.
Some researchers even said there’s evidence that sex can reduce a man’s chance of developing prostate cancer.

So when time is at a premium, how should people decide which is the best use of time?
One man said at his age, he needs the eight hours of sleep.
Another would gladly give up a few hours of sleep in exchange for sex.
Then, there are those up in the air.

“It depends,” one woman said. “If I was really tired, then the sleep. If I need some, it would be the sex.”

And the doctor’s prescription?

He said he doesn’t see why the two should even interfere with each other.

Thursday, November 30, 2006 

Snowing

So my dog seems to think that she can hold her bladder until it quits snowing. She absolutely refuses to go outside. Normally all we have to do is ask if she wants to go outside, and she starts going nuts.... Now that it is snowing, if we say go outside, she cowers and runs to her bed. Let me tell you people that picking up a Great Dane to carry her outside is not a pleasant activity. That is the only way to get it done though, because she can not be dragged when she sticks all four paws in front of her and throws her weight down. What a bitch... Not only that but after I carry her outside she starts lifting her paws up out of the snow one by one... It looks retarded. She has always been an inside dog, so I don't know why she would all of a sudden think that we are going to banish her to the yard since it is snowing.

Sunday, November 05, 2006 

Crimes in Anatomy

Two posts in one day... Yeah I was bored.

If you can think of it, there is a sexual fetish for it. There is a sexual fetish for jeans, panties, diapers, latex, leather, breasts, freckles, navels, body piercings, smoking, amputees, lactation, shit, pissing, spitting, hands, feet, vomitting, and there is even a sexual fetish for stuffed animals. Really, what guy after watching the movie "Click" is not going to have some dirty thoughts whenever he sees a stuffed toy duck. Personally, I could dig the whole smoking fetish... nothing hotter than a chick lighting up a cigarette after sex. Nothing wrong morally with most fetishes, as long as they do not harm others, some are just strange. That being said, the term for a person who likes to have sex with dead bodies is necrophiliac or necrophile. Currently in the United States there are sixteen states that have specific laws banning necrophila, and Nevada is the only one that has laws that are so airtight, there is next to no possibilities of legal "loopholes." Most of these sixteen states did not even vote to ban necrophila, until after 1979. This was when funeral home worker Karen Greenlee was captured in a funeral home's hearse with a man's dead body that she had been fucking for two days straight, along with a note confessing to having sex with around 40 dead men. I am not even going to tell you that in an interview she stated that she liked to 69 with the bodies... Because that would just be mean of me. Oops. So what was the punishment for having sex with the dead body? Nothing, but for stealing the body and the hearse, she got eleven days in jail, a $255 fine, and was placed on two years probation.

I have a reason for discussing necrophila other than the fact that fetishes are interesting to me, I mean really... what kind of person gets off on wearing diapers and sucking on pacifiers??? The point is this, all throughout history there have been little or no laws anywhere against body snatching. Since the time of ancient Greece, there has been bans on dissecting the human body after death. It was not until mid 1700's that people were allowed to cut open the dead. Back then though, people took two phrases literally... Man was made in god's image, which means to cut open a dead body was the same as cutting open god, and also the ressurection. People used to think (and some still do) that not only your soul will rise, but that your body will literally get up from the grave. Who would want to rise from their grave with their bowels and everything hanging out? With this being the way of thinking, would you want to donate your body to science? Hell no. This was a prevalent problem even through all of the 1800's and early 1900's. Doctor's and medical students needed cadavers desperately... So where did they get them from? A doctor by the name of William Harvey went and dug up the bodies of his dead father and sister to cut open. Considering the fact that he is the one who discovered the circulatory system, I think it was worth it. Being dissected was thought of as worse than death, so many criminals were orded to be disscected after death. For instance if you stole a pig, you would be hung, but if you killed a man, you would be orderd to be hanged and dissected. This did not provide enough bodies for doctors and students though. Both Doctors and medical students would often go and dig up bodies of the recently deceased for use. A lot of medical schools in England and Scotland would allow for students to pay their tuitions in dead bodies. More often than not though, they would turn to professional body snatchers. While grave robbing was considered a serious crime with a severe punishment, there was absolutely nothing legally wrong with stealing a body. The difference being in that grave robbing was stealing valuables from tombs and such. A hole big enough to tear open a part of the casket was all that was needed, then the body was lifted by a rope, and the dirt replaced. This whole process took only about an hour, so this became a very lucrative business. Along with the money paid by physicians, the body snatchers would take some of the flesh to make wallets out of, they would also take the teeth from the cadavers mouth to sell to dentist. The dentist would then use those cadaver's teeth to replace missing teeth in living people. People back then did not care, much like today people don't care that collagen injections used to get rid of wrinkles, comes from either bovine or cadaver flesh.

To be called a surgeon back then was not a big deal either. They were often referred to as "barber surgeons", because most were professional barbers who also did things such as amputations and what not. That is why you see the red and white stripes out side of hair salons. The red represents the blood, while the white represents the bandages. Even in the 1800's it was not uncommon for a person to be deemed a surgeon simply because a family member was, as evident in one of the first malpractice law suits. A man by the name of Bransby Cooper, who was the nephew of famed Sir Astley Cooper, was performing a simple bladder stone removal in an operating theatre. Operating theatres are where the poor had to go, and it was basically a death sentence. The surgeons cared more about showing the procedure to the many medical students standing around then they did about the patients life. The bladder stone was to be removed from a patient named Stephen Pollard, who was a very healthy laborer. A normal bladder stone removal back then took a few minutes. This took place on December 20, 1828, keep in mind there was no such thing as anesthesia or concept of handwashing until the 1860's. Stephen Pollard was on his back on the operating table with his knees to his neck and his hands tied to his feet, for over an hour. The doctor tried using the regular tools, such as a gorget, scoop, and forceps... This was all being inserted into the man's asshole in front of 200 observers. Finally the doctor just started shoving his fingers in there to see if he could locate the stone... Latex gloves did not come around until the 1950's. The doctor even started placing his hands next to the hands of the onlookers to see if anyone had longer fingers. Finally the stone was removed, and Stephen Pollard died 29 hours later of a massive infection. What a way to be remembered. Other atrocites that took place in operating theatres... Let's say that a woman goes in for a minor surgery after anesthia has been invented... Well, since that woman is unconcious, the doctor would have students perform other operations, such as removal of the appendix or tonsils. Unconscious women are also what the students would practice doing pap smears on, since most were uncomfortable with performing it on women that were awake. Well that is it for now... I am off of work.

 

Ha Ha Ha.... I'm a Perv

I was searching for the name of a woman that authored a book I read some time back... Her name was natalie something. So when I was googling it, I came across an article written by someone else. I just thought it was funny, since I was writing about vibrators on a post. It is a funny, very in depth article about the history of vibrators. I was not even going to post today, but I had to link this... http://www.samsloan.com/vibrator.htm . It is written by a woman named Natalie Angiers. By the way, it also talks about the fact that sex toys are illegal in three southern states, including here in Texas. That is why they are called Adult Novelty shops here. Anyway, heres a picture of your grandmothers vibrator...















By 1917, there were more vibrators in American homes than there were toasters. Vibrators were also being sold as items that had more than one use, such as a hair brush, back scratcher, nail buffer kits, they were even had ones that you could attach to your vacuum cleaner. Here is a package from the 1950's, and an add for one, though I don't know when the add is from....

Friday, October 27, 2006 

Strange Medical Cases & Stuff

Where the hell to start??? There are so many strange medical cases that I think are just absolutely fascinating. I will probably write a few post about some of them. My little brother started working at Barnes & Noble and can buy me books at 50% off... I have a long list of books for him to buy me at the moment, I don't know if I can get all of them read. The book that I am currently reading is called "Stiff"... It is about cadavers... and yes I will most defanitley write about it when I am done. Did you know they used dead bodies in biological warfare during the dark ages? They used to throw the bodies of soldiers that died of the plague over castle walls to infect the people inside. How weird would it be to have been a person inside a castle during a months long battle, and to see dead bodies being catapulted into the castle square! Anyway, that is not what I am writing about today.

I suppose I will start with a couple strange medical facts. like the fact that "In Nepal, Cow Dung is used for medicinal purposes. The Nepalese, believing that Dung has antiseptic properties, often pack a woman's vagina with it after she has given birth. This practice is thought to be responsible for the high incidence of tetanus among new mothers in Nepal". Sounds appealing right? Well in certain time periods and places, I will use ancient Egypt as an example, Camel shit was packed into the vagina for birth control purposes. And to think, I would probably throw a fit if I were to have to wear a condom. So I am guessing that oral sex is not a popular choice among men in places where animal shit is shoved up in there. Just a thought. Also, in ancient China, doctors were forbidden in the name of honor to see their female patients naked. To circumvent this prohibition, doctors on house calls brought with them a small ivory carving of a woman's naked body. This carving was passed into the curtained bedchamber of the ailing woman along with instructions on how to mark the troubled organs. The statue was then handed out through the curtains and the doctor made his Diagnosis on the basis of the markings. Not as interesting as the whole shit into the vagina concept, but its not easy to top that one.

This may or may not top the shitty vagina trivia, but I guarantee you that you will think about this the next time you are thinking about having sex with someone. So we had some free time in class a few weeks ago, and so our teacher brought up a conversation about HIV. Here is a quote from emedicine.com "According to a report by researchers Norman Hearst and Stephen Hulley in the Journal of the American Medical Association, the odds of a heterosexual becoming infected with AIDS after having penile-vaginal intercourse with someone in a non-high-risk group (IV users, gay men) without a condom are one in 5 million". No, this is not the mind blowing part yet, but still keep in mind that your odds of being murdered are 1 in 11,000 and the odds of being struck by lightnining are 1 in 600,000. Now lets talk about hermaphrodites. here is a quote from the Intersex Society of North America.... "Here’s what we do know: If you ask experts at medical centers how often a child is born so noticeably atypical in terms of genitalia that a specialist in sex differentiation is called in, the number comes out to about 1 in 1500 to 1 in 2000 births. But a lot more people than that are born with subtler forms of sex anatomy variations, some of which won’t show up until later in life." Wow.... That means that you are more likely to have sex with someone that was born a mangirl or a ladyman, than you are to contract HIV. Even better, it is believed that 1 in every 45,000 births is a true hermaphrodite... meaning a person that has functional male and female genetalia.

Anyway, some medical diseases..... At some point in time, a person may feel that a part of himself or herself is missing. Well if you were to be diagnosed with Cotard's Syndrome, this might be literal to you. People suffering from Cotard's syndrome believe that they are literally missing pieces of their body, some even believe that they are dead. They smell the rotting of their own flesh and sometimes believe that they can feel the maggots crawling around on their dead flesh. How fun.


Everyone at some point in life has been so tired that he or she felt like they could just die. What if you really did die? There are about 28 known families in the world, in which members have a 50% chance of develpoing a disease called Fatal Familial Insomnia. One of the books I have now is titled "The Family that Never Sleeps". This is a disease that I learned of about two years ago, and since then I have read almost every article written about it. Though I have not started the book yet, I don't want to wait to write about it. Twenty-eight families..... Let us assume that there are also families in poor places such as Africa, that can not be diagnosed with it... That is still a fucking rare disease. It was discovered by an Italian doctor that married into a family that suffered from the condition. He was able to document it centuries back in her family. All the way to the first insane asylum created in Europe. It takes anywhere from 14 to 18 months from the onset of symptoms, for it to cause death. It takes so long, because the periods of "sleep" last only a matter of seconds in the final stage. This literally drives the inflicted person crazy. No known sleeping agents known to man, have an effect. Here is an excerpt from a NBC:Dateline transcript. "Tapes recorded his semi-awake state. His eyes rarely stay closed. Then after 6 months, he begins miming in his half-dreams - combing his hair, buttoning his shirt. Though he may look conscious, he isn't. He's lost in a passageway between sleep and the wakeful world. In time, he finds it difficult to walk. Insomnia caused his body to shut down and he died, exhausted, at 52." I shoudn't complain about my lack of sleep due to school and work. By the way, five of the known twenty-eight families, live here in the United States.

Another rare case known as FOP (Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva), is when tissues in the body begin to turn into bone. Ouch. The areas that are most commonly effected are the neck, shoulders, and back. A patients connective tissue in his/her knees, hips, elbows can also ossify, causing the limbs to be permanently locked into place. No one knows what causes this, and cutting away at the formed bone only causes more bone to grow. Pictures are alw
ays fun.











Early symptons are malformed toes.... like this


Gross.

Something that has been making headlines in the news lately is a condition known as sexsomnia. It of course, is a person that unknowingly has sex in his or her sleep. How fucking cool would that be! Imagine being a sleep therapist, and having some sexsomnia patients staying the night at your clinic......

Friday, October 20, 2006 

The Face of Medicine

I wrote this long post out of boredom. It talks about the history of medicine, and I think it is very interesting. I even discuss how the modern vibrator came to be... Let me know what you think.

I do not know about everyone else, but I always had the idea that modern medicine was up to par with star trek when I was a child. I never thought there was a magical device that you can wave over someone and miraculously heal their wounds, but still, I thought that a doctor knew everything and that medical procedures were extremely advanced. Many procedures are, but if you actually go to a hospital and watch some of the basic procedures they do, or if you read medical stories.... It is almost like we are still in the dark ages. We as a race have come a long way though. The man who is referred to as the father of surgery was an Indian (of the slurpee variety, not the casino kind) by the name of Sushruta. He lived in the sixth century BC, and his writings are the oldest known text concerning surgery. He is also the considered the father of plastic and cosmetic surgery, so for all you women who want or have fake tits... This is the man to thank. His methods of fixing noses (rhinoplasty) are still used today, practically unchanged. Back then, one method of punishment for certain crimes, was to have one's nose cut off. Sushruta would take some skin from the forehead, and use it to build a person a new nose. Considering that fatality rates for any form of surgery were almost 85% until the late 1860's early 1870's... This is amazing.

Joseph Lister (where the name Listerine comes from) was the first to have the idea that perhaps the surgical instruments used should be clean, and this was not until the late 1860's, after the civil war. An example of what surgery was like before Lister came along..... A proper way to sharpen a scalpel was taught to all medical students. This technique involved lifting your foot and sharpening the scalpel against the leather of your shoe. I would think that I do not even need to explain how bad that is, and the high rate of post op infections that occurred as a result. The high fatality rate is why many of your grandparents were terrified of hospitals. They grew up hearing stories about their parents and hospitals. Today most of us just do not like hospitals, imagine what it was like to know that going to the hospital was the equivalent of a death sentence. There was a surgeon before Lister named Ignaz Semmelweis that introduced the concept of hand washing before surgery or delivering a baby. He discovered that if a doctor were to wash his hands before delivering a baby, the mother had a less likely chance of becoming infected and dying of puerperal fever. This is why most people were delivered by a midwife in these times. Imagine giving birth back then... You have a doctor that was likely poking around on a cadaver (dead body) or picking his nose, maybe he was even wiping his ass with his bare hand. Imagine the problems that can arise with his unwashed hands up in your business. Keep in mind that latex gloves were not even around until the 1950's. Some of our parents could have been delivered by ungloved doctors. Common sense now a days, right? Well the doctors at this time said that he was crazy. They did not want to accept that it was their fault that so many women were dying during child birth. Semmelweis was stripped of his medical license and was then locked away in an insane asylum where he died of the very disease he was trying to abolish by simply washing hands. How fucking insane is that?

Most people have heard the name of Florence Nightingale, but many have no clue as to what she did. Other than being the reason that all hospitals are kept clean, she came up with the idea to wash bandages... Thats right. Imagine that you were a wounded soldier during the civil war. You are placed on a hospital bed next to a soldier that just died of a gangrene infection he developed on his bandaged wound. With a shortage of fresh bandages and no knowledge of the importance of a clean bandage, your doctor takes the bandage from the dead soldier and immediately uses it to wrap your wound. You now have that soldiers gangrene, blood, pus, and everything else wrapped tightly around your open wound. Need I say more?

I could go on and on... The evolution of lobotomies and other brain surgeries, is very interesting. But I am just going to end this with one last story for the women out there.

Now a days, most women have no problem admitting that they own one or ten vibrators. But do you know where the vibrator came from? It has its roots in medicine... Back then when a woman would do something improper, such as talk back to her husband or show an over eagerness for sex, she would be diagnosed with hysteria. The cure for this was for a woman to go to the doctor's office and have him massage her genitals until she reached what was called "hysterical paroxysm." Hysteria of this form was considered a real disorder until the 1940's. As one can imagine, women would go every week to the doctor's office to have this "medical procedure" performed. This spread quickly and soon women everywhere were claiming to suffer from hysteria. Obviously this became a labor intensive job for the doctors to perform this procedure, so people came up with the idea of creating a device that shot jets of water onto the woman's genitals, causing her to reach this "hysterical paroxysm." This turned out to be messy though, so a British doctor in the 1880's created the first vibrator. It became a permanent fixture in many doctor's offices. Here is the picture.



Ask your Grandmother if she ever went to the doctor for "hysteria".

I love history and I love medicine. My grandfather moved to Texas in a covered wagon in 1901, and before his death he was flying around the country in a jumbo jet plane. I think the people of my generation will live to see a vaccine for HIV, a cure for parkinson's disease, alzheimers, and perhaps cancer. I think we will see humankind set foot on Mars. What technological and medical advancement will our children live to see?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006 

Whatever

I have been really fucking busy lately, hence no update. Not much to say right now... I did however give in the other day and looked around on myspace. I don't see what the point of myspace is??? Its not a blog, so what the hell is it? I might have to cave in though and create a dumb account since everyone and their dog has one. I will write a real post in the next day or two.

***Fine, I suppose I will do a dumb survey thing that everyone does.***


1. How tall are you barefoot?
5 ft 11 in the last time that I was arrested.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Well, with the key word there being smoked. No, I can honestly say that I have never smoked heroin.

3. Do you own a gun?
Yes

4. Who's your best friend?
Mikey

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
Fuck the parents, I don't deal with parents, not since I was under Eighteen years of age. I do however have the uncanny ability of impressing anyone I meet if I so desire. Just saying that I don't get nervous, because I really don't care.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
They are not hot, what the hell is with that??? Even those nasty ones you get from the conveinant store with the jalepenos in em....

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Baby it's cold outside by Bing Crosby and some woman.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Orange Juice. The Simply Orange, that was hand squeezed in Florida by Cubans for 10 cents an hour.

9. Do you do push-ups?
Do I do what? Is that some form of masturbation?

10. Have you ever done ecstacy?
I bet I have done more than Carla.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My C*ck Ring that has emeralds all the away around it... Just kidding. Probably my father's gold and turqoise ring that my mother made for him decades ago. He loved that ring.

12. Do you like painkillers?
Nope

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Hookers never turn down a dollar. You have to know how to wrangle the price down though...

14. Do you own a knife?
Yes, but mother hid it from me when I was younger and she has forgotten where she hid it. Pretty messed up huh?

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
Do I have, oh look a butterfly.... No I do not have A.D.D.

16. Middle Name?
Cole is my middle name

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment
1-wow, exact moment, that is a lot of pressure
2-I wonder how much sex I can have in one week?
3-Why is it that if you blow in a dog's face he will get mad at you, but if you put him in the car he sticks his head out of the window????

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today:
I hired an attorney, but technically I didn't pay for it. Does that count? Other than that, not a damn thing.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Wine, Orange Juice, and Coke.

20. What time did you wake up today?
I started the process around 10:30am, but after all the snooze button pushings, it was around 11:45am.

22. Current worry?
Not a single worry in the world at this moment.

23. Current hate?
Cigarette tax, bastards, and the bastards that are raising cigarette taxes.

24. Favorite place to be?
That is a very inappropriate question to ask while I am at work. Did I spell inappropriate correctly?

25. Least favorite place to be?
I was once stranded in middle of the desert in Arizona. That was not very pleasant.

26. Where would you like to go?
Austrailia

27. Do you own slippers?
No, I own a dog that likes to eat slippers for breakfast.

28. What shirt are you wearing?
Coast Guard

29. Do you burn or tan?
Tan

30. Favorite color(s)?
Blue and Green

31. Would you be a pirate?
What a question... I would like to make a remark about ass pirates, but Brent beat me there. Are we talking old school pirate, or modern day pirate?

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Glass of wine almost every night.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing songs, but I did whistle one the other day. I got it stuck in my head at work... It is a god awful song so if I tell you what it is, it will be stuck in your head... Are you ready? It was "Safety Dance". You know the "we can dance if you want to, we can leave your friends behind...."

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
The pedophile that lived next door. Seriously though, I had the worst nightmares about snapping turtles. They have huge ones up north in Michigan and Illinois.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
Antiseptic Gel, keys, cash, credit cards, cigarettes, and a lighter.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Joe Rogan's stand up comedy last night.... He may be an obnoxious pri*k on "Fear Factor" but his comedy routine is hilarious.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
I was sitting on the kitchen counter when I was about five years old while my family was boiling caramel to dip apples in... I jumped off of the counter and hit the handle of the pot that had the caramel in it. The boiling caramel went down my back... I still have the scars this day.... Many horrible horse injuries and a near death experience with bees, but that is the one that sticks out in my mind.

WHERES 39?
Probably with God. It makes since... Can you prove that the number 39 exists? If they do... Then God and the number 39 are probably having a big old laugh at our expense.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
3 and 3/4. I think my 60' plasma screen should count as 1 and 3/4

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Not a clue.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
The one that never talks

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I don't know. The neighbors dog across the street needs to be neutered. He trys to hump my leg. Does that count?

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
I personally have never been on a shooting star.

45. What is your favorite book?
Ok in the email that I replied to, I put Hamlet. That is just to show that I am smart. I do like many shakespearian plays, and I do read a lot of novels... But to be honest my favorites are "Hank the Cowdog". I haven't read one in years but those are among the first books I ever read on my own free time.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Not a big fan of candy. I would have to go with a snickers bar.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Nymphomaniac by Jason Boland...
"I want a rich young dumb nymphomaniac, to drive me around in her cadillac, when shes not down on her knees, she will be flat on her back... I want a rich young dumb nymphomaniac."

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Grandma got runned over by a reindeer

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
My wife gave me the best bl@# @#$@#$#@ last night....

50. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke?
Damn that was fun last night.....

Tuesday, September 05, 2006 

Pictures

I am bored and need to update my blog... but I have nothing to write about at the moment. So here are some pictures of my great dane and one of my snakes that I happen to have on my computer. He does not look like it in the photos, but that snake is a little over six feet long and eats huge rats. I also found a picture of some of our horses, with my father, neice, and nephew riding. along with a picture of my father and little brother that could have been really good if it wasn't for the fact that I was like eight years old when I took it. I have quite a damn zoo going on.... Perhaps after I read the news I will have a real post to write.

Thursday, August 24, 2006 

Should Have Been a Blowjob

Post Deleted

Saturday, August 19, 2006 

Time for an update

I have not been making my blog rounds lately, so I figure it is about time to catch up. Where to start... I guess I should say a few things about my trip up north. I stayed drunk the whole time and I got struck by lightening, but I will get to that later. This might get a little long, because I have to talk about last night at Coconutz as well....

Chicago is awesome. I was expecting it to be like most huge cities that I have been to, dirty and nasty like Philadelphia, Dallas, or Houston. Not only was Chicago huge, it was clean. I love the way people drive there... Instead of waiting for an opening, like if you are pulling out of a parking lot onto the street, you just go and make your own opening. You practically just drive out into traffic and make them stop. I wish I would have known about the price of cigarettes though... For a pack of Marlboro Lights it was 7.61. I bought a carton here before I left for 28.99, it would have cost me 82.00 there. I say that I would have liked to have known, because I would have brought at least five cartons with me to sell. Anyway, We stayed in downtown Chicago for two days, before driving over to Michigan to visit with more family. The first night we stayed in a suite at the Marriot, which was 800.00 for the night. The second night we stayed at the Renaissance, which is also a Marriot branch. That was 1,150.00 for the night, and it was not even the biggest suite that they had there. Neither one of these hotels cost me a dime. What else..... Everyone in Chicago was bitching non-stop about the heat.... Apparently they never make it down south. I mean it was pretty humid, but come on, don't be such pussies.

We ate at several places in downtown Chicago. I had a wide variety of different foods. I had duck and baby octopus for the first time. I did not care much for the duck and the baby octopus was tough, not tender like squid, but it was good. I don't care if you eat it here in Texas or in Chicago... snails taste like shit no matter where you try it at. Throwing them in garlic butter and giving it a french name like escargot does not change that fact. I tried to eat some pizza from Chicago, which everyone has recommended, but I just did not get around to it. Oh well.

My whole purpose for going to Chicago was to see the King Tutankhamun exhibit. It was well worth it... Im not going to bore everyone with details, so I will just say that it was awesome. I also got to see the lions of Tsavo. The lions that were the basis for the movie The Ghost and the Darkness. They killed around 180 people. They looked like big pussies to me, I think I could have knocked them out with one punch...

After we were done in Chicago, we drove about an hour and a half to make it to southern Michigan. Not only was I staying drunk in Chicago, but then we make it to Michigan, and I discover that there are wineries all over the place... Oh boy. Every day we went to atleast two wineries and did wine tasting... I bought so much wine that we had to buy a new suitcase just to carry our wine home. We stayed with my uncle in his huge house out in the country. One of things I used to love about visiting up there, which I totally forgot about, is the fact that there are lightening bugs all over the place. It was nice to drink glass after glass of wine and just watch the bugs light up in the fields.

So about getting struck by lightening.... You know how here in Texas we can get a very severe thunder and lightening storm... Very strong winds, and then it is usually gone over in half an hour. Well they had a pretty severe storm while I was in Michigan. Don't get me wrong, we have worse ones here in the panhandle, but up there it lasted for hours on end. So I am standing outside on the front porch talking with my Uncle. It was pretty late at night, obviously we were drunker then Navy sailors in a Thai whorehouse. So we are standing there enjoying the view of the lightening and the deafening sound of the thunder, when all of a sudden there is a bright flash. All I could see was white, everywhere..... It knocked me off my feet and against the door. Everyone that was in the house came running out to check on us. Apparently lightening struck the house. It had knocked pictures off of the wall and all of the magnets off the fridge. Part of the house was filled with smoke, it smelled like fireworks. Technically, I was not hit by the lightening, but my hair was standing straight up from the electricity and I could not hear or feel my legs for atleast half an hour. It was very cool.

There are still plenty of things for me to talk about from my trip, but this is getting pretty long and I still have to mention the goings on of last night. So I went to see our supervisor Brent's band play at coconutz last night. It was Sam's birthday, so it was also my intention to get her drunk. My wife Amy and I met Sam up there, and low and behold she was sitting next to Yessica and Nga, which I found completely strange. Anyway, a few more of Amy's friends meet us there and everyone but me starts to get shit faced drunk. Towards the end of the night, after Sam had left, I look up just in time to see this huge gorilla looking man smash a full beer bottle on a guy's face. It looks cooler in person than it does in the movies.... So this guy that is a friend of my wife ran with me to break up the fight, because the bouncers were no where in sight. I have to be completely honest though, I realized as soon as I ran in between these two guys that I was more concerned about protecting my cigarette in my mouth than I was about stopping the fight. Anyway, one guy got one of them in a choke hold, and everyone seperated them tell the bouncers got there. The only reason I mention this is because what happened when we had a hold of them was hilarious... When the guy that was with me had one of the men in a choke hold, the woman that was the cause of this fight (you knew it had to be because of a woman) walked up and bitch slapped the guy and started slinging a string of profanities I have never heard. It was priceless. At the end of the night I went to pay my bar tab... Keep in mind that I had not one drop to drink... My tab was $106.... One last thing, I thought it noteworthy enough to mention here in my blog... Our supervisor Brent, straight up grabbed my wife's tit. She was talking to him and he just reached out and grabbed. Far be it from me to get in a tizzy because some one grabs my wife's tit... they were both shitfaced, I just thought it funny enough to bring up.

Friday, July 28, 2006 

Work Blows

Work truly sucks monkey nuts tonight. No offense intended to any monky lovers, I would just view sucking monkey nuts as a very unpleasant prospect, much like working tonight. Aty is gone on maternity leave, which prompted a schedule change, which prompted Isabel to quit, causing me to be stuck here tonight all by myself. I seem to be getting nothing but idiotic callers tonight calling in multiple claims.....

So anyways, since everyone is leaving work it would appear that I must be updating this blog for Sam's pleasure alone.... and all the others who do not comment. Oh well. Not much new to say, though I do leave for Chicago here in a day or two. I got my Uncle to get me a suite at the Marriot for free. Other than arriving there, I am not really sure what my plans are... I will just figure things out as I go. Out of all the places we take claims for the only one that is a restaurant in Chicago is Sweet Tomatoes. So it is still my plan to go there and have them call in a claim for me, but I was thinking.... Instead of telling them that I slipped on urine in the restroom... If I can keep a straight face, I am going to tell them that I got food poisoning from their chicken. I am going to tell them that it caused explosive diarrhea and vomitting, excorsist style. Then the diarrhea got onto my new shoes, because things were so bad that I didn't know what was up from down, while searching for a toilet... Think I can act serious while saying that? I am going to try....

My family has a website so that we can always bullshit and post and blah blah blah. One of my cousins has apparently been in Israel during the last couple of weeks. He was there when the fighting broke out. For those who are completely blind and deaf (Sam), there have been hundreds killed in fighting in the last 17 days. I do not really know for sure what it is that my cousin does... He is a business consultant and as far as I know he does a little of everything. I know he is the biggest penny pincher I have ever met, which is strange considering that he is pretty damn wealthy (He lives next door to the Waltons, of Walmart fame). Anyway, since I do not have much to write about as of now.... Here is what he wrote

"I kept from posting while I was in Israel a couple of weeks ago, as it occurred to me that no one knew I was there except Dad.

Anyway, I'm back now but here's something interesting:

Tuesday- when all of the mess over there really started- I was in Carmiel and Haifa. As an American, I asked the Israeli's if there was anything to be concerned about (you should know that the US department of Transportation has had a standing travel advisory to Americans visiting Israel for the last 7 years). The answer was simply, "no, no, no, a missile has never come this far into the country."

The next day we were in central Israel when a missile hit 300 yards from the building I was standing in the previous day when I asked that question in Carmiel. Every day since then, Haifa has been showered with missiles.

Believe it or not, you guys had more information about what was going on via CNN then I did while I was in the midst of it all. Were it not for the constant calls from family and friends in the states updating us on what was happening we would have never known it.

On Thursday night (the worst day of fighting inside Israel in the last 20 years), my company hosted a party of 400 people including ex-prime minister Peres and several other ex- ministers in the open on the beach on the Mediterranean Sea. Other than the occasional military helicopter flying overhead, it was business as usual.

I guess you view defense a little differently when you've been defending yourselves as far back as history is kept. Needless to say, if Cuba started bombing Miami, I'm not sure the folks in Daytona Beach would continue their normal lives.

Anyway, I guess we can all look forward to higher gas prices- at the very least."

Sunday, July 02, 2006 

Watch Out For the Herpes

I have about one more hour to kill before I get off of work. I have not the slightest clue as to what I should write about, but I need to pass the time. So everyone knows that I have been talking about getting scuba certified for ages now. It just so happens that my father's best friend has just bought a scuba diving school here, so I will be certifed with in the month. He also plans on adding sky diving to it, so I will not be able to pussy out anymore by making up excuses for not doing it. This guy loves sky diving as much as my dog loves it when I put peanut butter on my nuts. That was totally a joke, she prefers jelly. Seriously though, this guy is a fanatic. He owns all the gear needed for jumping, parachutes, and even a powered parachute. I always make plans to go jump with him, but some miraculous force always intervenes. Perhaps it is the sand that is trickling out of my vagina (theres your south park reference). I have not asked him yet, but I am hoping that he will let me go there everyday to swim. The pools at the gyms here are always packed with people that can swim way more laps than I can, but I love the workout you get from swimming. It is the greatest workout. If not, I know I can go swim at his house whenever, but still it would be nice to have private access to a clean pool year round.

My mother's boyfriend of the last ten years has just turned sixty. Unfortunately, the son of a bitch is not likely to die anytime soon, since his father is still alive at eighty-five today. However, my mother did throw a huge party for him and this consisted of inviting nearly every lawyer in Amarillo. I was tempted to go to the party just to make lawyer jokes to all of his rich stuck up asshole friends. The front of my mother's house looked like a BMW sales lot. Since my siblings are not fond of this cocksmooch either, my wife was the only family member that went to the party. This means that my mother is giving my wife antiques that she has no space for since they just took another trip to buy more antiques.... My house is filling up rather nicely. All I need to do is send my wife to every event planned for him....

A couple of things in the news right quick.... Ever wonder what it would be like to have an erection for ten years straight? I just assumed it was like being fourteen years old for ten years in a row, but apparently not....
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/ ... This guy has an implant that has malfunctioned and cannot be removed. I wonder if they allow him in the pictures at family reunions? Another thing that I thought was interesting..... A sex toy company located in the United Kingdom has announced that they are looking for sperm tasters. Thats right, just imagine that on your resume. The company is searching for a sexually active couple who will be prepared to test a new pill designed to change the taste of semen.The pill, which is taken as a twice-a-day for 30 days, claims to mask the traditionally salty taste of male ejaculate with a refreshing apple-like flavour. Successful applicants will take the pill for 30 days and will use an online blog to provide a blow-by-blow account of how the taste of their partner's sexual fluid changes. I wonder if I could convince my wife to apply.... Anywho, the site is blocked up here at work. Here it is for the rest of you http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/ .

I get off in a few minutes, so I am not going to proof read. Forgive the errors.

Sunday, June 18, 2006 

Temporary Freedom

Post Deleted

Friday, June 16, 2006 

I Swear That I Got Those Crabs From The Toilet Seat, Honey.

So something else happened with my little brother this morning before I came into work, but before I go into that, let me add some information pertaining to my previous post. Alcohol is legal in texas if you drink with a parent or spouse, no matter what your age is. Even though I am not his parent, it is the same difference. The issue my wife had, was that he was not going to be drinking at our house. I had no problem with it because I know he is a responisible kid, and he will not drive drunk. Our parents were giving both of us wine since we were little kids. So it is not really unacceptable in my family for underage people to drink. However, I do not want to know what my mothers reaction would be if she were to find out that I let him drink hard liquor.

I woke up this morning to my wife asking me if I would buy my brother a couple of cigars. Keep in mind that he is only sixteen. After dragging myself out of bed, I go into the living room to find my brother sitting there already making his case for why I should go buy him a cigar. Now I occasionally enjoy smoking a cigar with a nice glass of wine, and I used to do it on a regular basis. It turned out being a very expensive habit since I also have to have good wine and not the cheap stuff, and I go through bottles of wine like a gay man goes through bottles of lube. Needless to say I chose my wine habit over the cigar one. My brother did not ask me to run down to the convience store to buy him some cheap swisher cigars, so I know his purpose was not to use it for pot. He told me he was willing to spend fifteen dollars per cigar. Really he was trying to convice my wife to go buy him some, since I had to get ready to come here and work. So I told my wife that I do not think I would do it, but that she could do whatever she wants. Here is my quandry.... My father was one of the worlds best fathers. Anyone who has ever met him would tell you the same thing. He found out that I was smoking when I was around fifteen, and agreed at the time to buy my cigarettes for me. He did however lecture me everytime he bought me a pack. I remember thinking to myself at the time, what would I do in the situation. I know that buying your children cigarettes does not sound like the worlds greatest dad, but in truth it is because he did not want me paying bums to buy them for me, or for me to get in trouble while attempting to purchase them myself. You can try everything under the sun to make your children stop bad behavior, but at that age they are going to do it anyway. In my opinion, cigars are different from cigarettes. I do not beleive that there is a major difference, but there is still a difference. I realize that my little brother is going to do some of the same things that I did, and I accept that fact. However, I do not want to hear about it. When I was that age, we always hung out with the cool older brothers that would give us drugs, porn, and cigarettes. I have no desire to be that cool older brother, except in the sense that I do not care if his buddies stay the night at my house to get drunk. I do not know if my father would agree to buy cigars for my brother or not. So what do you think? Since my father has died, should I agree to do this for my brother? What would you do?

Holy fucking hell.... If you need to call to file a damn claim, do not call and as soon as someone answers, tell that person to hold on while you proceed to talk on your cell phone. I swear.... I wish I could just hang up on some people. Anyhow, since I am working so hard today, aty has given me a manicure while we were "working". She suggested this manicure should be my topic for today, but it did not seem like a long post subject. First time for me, and I must say that my hands look so damn attractive now, tonight I may just have to make love to them. I am fully aware that I just left a wide opening there for some shit talking. Give me your worst.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006 

My Head Hurts

I am taking a break from qwyzzle, at least long enough to update.
http://home.planet.nl/~Qwyzzle/Qwyzzle100.html I am on level 94. This damn game is the reason that I have not updated, or looked at any blogs in the last week. I have been playing this for so long that my head is starting hurt, thinking about any logical problem now scares me, and I now think that "they" are out to get me, whoever "they" are. Hopefully I will be able to finish without getting myself shipped off to a funny house. Anyway, if you are brave enough to play, the forum for extra hints is located here -
http://www.takeforum.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=2&mforum=qwyzzle - You don't start shaking with blood shot eyes and lose sleep till around level 70 something. No cheating and good luck.

I just called Isabel, to tell her that the new Mexican that works here is not cooler than she is. I personally have not met the new girl, but I hear that she does not smoke cigarettes. Sam and I think we might be able to recruit her though; we need more smokers here damnit. Isabel being the creative genius that she is has named her baby..... Alex Jr. You heard it here first; Pretty creative if you ask me. I do not think that I could have come up with such a unique name. I wonder if the jr has to do with a certain jr that works here? Speaking of, Isabel just brought her baby up here to work. She and Aty sat around discussing various gross things having to do with the workings of the inner female body. I may never find any woman sexually attractive again. Thanks a lot you two.


For lack of anything better, I am going to discuss something that just happened a minute ago, and then ask your opinions. My wife has just stopped by my job with my little brother. She asked me if I would care if she bought him some alcohol, to which my simple reply was "go ahead". She seemed pretty disturbed that I did not ask any questions such as, who he was drinking with, where he was drinking it at, or what kind of alcohol he was asking for. Normally when we buy liquor for him, it is because he is staying at our house. My little brother is sixteen years old. He has always bothered me to let him drink, or to buy him alcohol. I always told him that when he turned fifteen, and had good grades I would let him drink with me. So he has been drinking at my house ever since his fifteenth birthday. This is not an often occurrence. He is in the top ten percent of his class, and he does not hang out with the same kind of people that I did at that age. He knows not to drive around drunk, and he would call me if he needed a ride. As for his friends that he drinks with, they seem well adjusted as well, though one tall son of a bitch vomits in my yard every goddamn time. They are all football players so I know they can not be doing horrible in school and they are just good kids in general. Alcohol is the only thing I will condone him doing, though I suspect he occasionally smokes pot. I have not nor will not discuss pot with him, because honestly, I do not think it is a big deal. I have however, told him that if I ever suspect him of doing anything else, I will personally kick his ass. So would you let a brother/sister or son/daughter drink at that age? At what age is it acceptable to you?

Saturday, May 27, 2006 

Gross Claim

I know that I haven't updated much or commented on any blogs... But I will start updating and commenting more often now. I am not really planning on writing much today I just wanted to make this short post to share with everyone a claim that I just took. It is not my place to say the name of this restaurant, but I will tell you that everyone has eaten there before. everyone... it does not matter what part of the country you are in...I don't even think you have to be in this country to have eaten there. anyway, a manager called me for a customer claim, and when he told me the description... he got real quite. there was something in the customers tea.... So I made him repeat it. I understood it the second time but just for laughs I asked him to repeat it a third time... here is the description I wrote...... by the way it was analyzed by a doctor...

CUSTOMER WAS DRINKING TEA FROM STORE WHEN WENT TO EMERGENCY ROOM DUE TO NAUSEA. DOCTOR STATED THAT TEA HAD SPERM IN IT.

fucking nasty isn't it. The customer was standing next to the manager when he was talking to me, and the manager kept asking me "do you want to speak to him"..... I was thinking fuck no to myself. Thankfully I never had to talk to the guy. I wonder what this guy did to piss someone off that bad in the first place....


*edit*
I am really bored, so I am going to ramble on about various crap that comes into my head. You may just want to stop reading now. Sam is over at her desk watching gay movies... cheaper by the dozen 2. what a nerd. Speaking of gay movies, I still have not been able to force myself to finish watching Brokeback Mountain. I can watch a bad movie that has great acting, but this is so ridiculously pointless and boring. Let me give you an example.... lets say that two co-workers of ours (no names), that are both in relationships, start messing around with eachother. It is just like watching them. It doesn't matter if it is two men, two women, or a man and a woman. It is boring.

Anyway, I have been doing some blog surfing and have been reading a few blogs that I haven't looked at in awhile. I like going to the blogs of people that update often and write a lot each time. It's shame Carla doesn't update more often, that could kill a lot of time for the rest of us.

I was introduced to a scuba instructor, that is going to certify my wife and I. Apparently he is one of the hardest in town, but he is a friend of my cousin. Atleast I get a discount. More good news.... everyone knows that I don't like drugs anymore, but they have just been legalized in Mexico. Obviously, since I am going there I will have to get myself a sample platter of everything.

I have spent a lot of money in the last week on pets. I want to buy all the materials I need to make an awesome display tank for my biggest snake. The night when I was playing around with my dog in the living room, she cut herself on something. I know Great Danes are large dogs, but I did not know that a living creature had that much blood..... It looked like a murder scene. So we rushed her off to the emergency vet since it was around 2am. That was over three hundred bucks. I called my emergency room nurse friend, and left a serious sounding message on his phone stating that I had murdered my wife and needed to know how to remove blood from carpets. I suppose he likes me better than he does my wife, because the police never showed up.

Do stupid people become smart when they go to heaven???? Pretty random, I know. I was just curious though. I mean there has to be some perks...


I am about to get off of work now to go watch Matt Hughes kick Royce Gracie's ass in the UFC tournament. I will update in the next couple of days to write about some steroid addicted cunt that had the audacity to shake my hand and congratulate me, only to walk out and tell everyone else I cheated him at poker. That will be a long post.....

Thursday, May 18, 2006 

Jackass

Everybody likes to inform me of the fact that I have not updated in quite some time. So here is a small little update. I just haven't really had anything to talk about lately, so here is another example of the utter bullshit that comes out of Pat Robertson's mouth. Pat Robertson, that obnoxious televangelist that old people love, says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year. Oh my fucking lord, you don't say? That is like me saying that I predict that there will be a birthday party with balloons sometime this year, and one of those balloons might get loose and fly away. Just call me Mr. Cleo, I will speak with a jamaican accent. He has said this several times in the last few weeks on his show, (damn right I watch that stuff... its amusing) apparently this going to happen due to all of the sins that we Americans commit. Now call me crazy, but I thought there was some long haired hippie dude that died for our sins? I could have sworn there is a book somewhere that talks about him forgiving our sins, until the end of time arrives and heathens, perhaps like myself, will be punished. But hey, what the hell do I know. I obviously am not smart enough to milk millions of dollars from old people all across the world. I know you Christians have a some code that talks about not chopping a guys head off and shoving his testicles down his neck, I think its thou shalt not kill or something of the sort..... Still, you guys seriously need to get together and come up with a plan to make old Pat vanish. The guy does so much harm to your religion, I think god would make an exception. This is the same guy saying that Ariel Sharon was given a stroke by god for pulling out of gaza, and the same guy that says that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. The same guy that started the theory that AIDs is gods punishment for gay men, despite the fact the over 50% of AIDs patients are hetero sexual women.

Now normally when I write about a death that I read about in the news, I write about it because I can make fun of it in some way or another or I just simply find it amusing. Maybe im getting more in touch with my feminine side, due to the fact that I was molested by a mexican female co-worker this past weekend, (Now I know what you women go through) but I just wanted to mention this death, because I found it really sad and disturbing. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12700493/ - This article talks about a mother who drowned while trying to rescue one of her sons. She had swam out and rescued one, and drowned on her attempt to rescue the second, the body of the second child still has not been found.

I don't want to end this post on that sad story though, so I am going to ask this question... Should I sue Isabel for sexual harrassment for brazenly grabbing my package while at work? And people who know my wife, need not run off and tell her this, because I might be
exaggerating. I will let you know if this is an exaggeration after the possible pending litigation is done with.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006 

School is almost done....

Good lord I have been busy. Not so much busy as stressed I suppose. I have one more week of school, and I have to take all of my finals... taking test has never been a big deal to me so I consider my self practically done with school as of today. I had to write a ten page report for my religions class. This was assigned the very first day of school, to be turned in on april twenty something. When did I start writing it? The night before it was due.... I got an A+. Same thing in psychology. So not only have I not updated my blog in awhile, but I have not even glanced at anyone elses blogs until the other day. The comments on my last post suggest that I write something about asians, other than the fact that they eat dogs. There is also quite a bit of talk about anal sex, maybe that is the topic I should choose..... Anyway, interesting story about asians and dogs... Notice it did not say eating dogs... I am thinking that it was Dustin who told me this story, but I am not 100% sure. So Dustin's mother was doing work helping refugees, or something of the sort, find homes and learn to get by here in Amarillo. There was an Asian family that she had help set up. One day while she was out grocery shopping, she ran into this Asian family with a cart filled with canned dog food. They seemed to be rather perplexed when asked about what kind of dog they had. They then stated that they were excited to learn that you can by dog meat here in the states, and that they had discovered this particular brand of dog food was rather tasty.... So I don't know how long they had been eating canned dog food prior to this incident, but what I am curious about is how they prepared it. I wonder if they ate it on hamburger buns, or with pasta....

As for the other topic... I was watching a documentary last night with my wife about that HIV scare the porn industry had a little more than a year ago. I could start an intellectual conversation/debate about this, but obviously I was just watching it for the boobies. As such I did not retain intellectual information perveyed in the documentary, just the following disturbing subject. The guy that gave the HIV to those two girls whom he was filming the porn with, gave it to them while performing a double anal scene... I know one asian who is getting excited right about now.... Seriously though, why the hell would anyone want to do a double anal scene. That is just to close to another man than I care to be (apparently jr may go for it though), and why would any girl in the world want that. Sounds painful to me, but whatever floats your boat. I warned you that it was not an intellectual topic...


So I have decided that I am going to Chicago in July instead of June. So you people need to be prepared to cover my shifts damnit. I have been practicing my forgedabodids - forget about it. One last thing, this is another place that I am going with my family this summer, $20,000 for one week. I have to be scuba certified before I leave for this place. There is a personal chef who will make all the margaritas that I can drink... check it out
http://www.casa-angela.com/

http://www.casa-angela.com/more_photos.htm

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 

Viva La Mexico

I guess I should update, so here it goes.... Im going to bitch about mexicans today. Just for you Isabel. The mexicans here in Amarillo decided that they needed to get in on the protests about the immigration law that is being voted on..... personally, I am against the law. I am against anything that makes it harder for messcans to come to America. I do think that we need to protect our borders better, but not from messcans. My little brother is in his sophmore year of highschool at Tascosa High, which had lots of mexicans do their little walk out. Again, I agree with these protests.... But not with the idiots here in Amarillo. First off, the schools here announced to everyone, that if you want to protest, that is fine. They even told the students that they agreed (atleast at tascosa). All that they asked is, instead of walking out of class to go to the protest, just do not show up at school. They said just call in and say you are not coming to school out of protest, and it will be an excused absence... Did they listen? fuck no. So not only are the absences unexcused, but they will be punished for the walk out. The fact that these students are just fucking retarded for that, is not what bothers me. Watching all these mexicans gather to go to thompson park, I had to ask a question. So I asked atleast 20 of them, "what are you protesting"? "The Bill" was the answer that I got from every single one of them.... What is the bill? Not a single one of these dimwitted sons of bitches had a clue... Tons of mexicans protesting about something that they do not even know anything about. They were probably just told there was a barbeque at the park or something. The other thing that I found peculiar, was the fact that they were all driving around waving Mexican flags.... Isn't the goddamn point supposed to be giving citizenship to mexicans? Why the fuck would you not be waving an american flag? Go back to mexico for that shit... I will have to ask some of my Mexican friends, but more than likely they were at the park protesting as well, thinking there was a barbeque going on. Border officials should have shown up... I wonder how many mexicans could have been deported. I got a call from a woman that didn't speak any english as I was writing this. She almost changed my view that anyone should be allowed to come to America and speak whatever language they want. She was a mess can from flor dee da.

Sunday, April 09, 2006 

Scam

*edit* he emailed again... response is added below...

So jr found this motorcycle that he wants to buy online, and after emailing the guy a few times, he found out it is a scam. The guy says the bike is in Utah, and wants jr to send some money to a shipping company.... So jr just to see what the guy would say, told him that his friend lives in Utah and would just take the money to him and pick up the bike... here was his reply...

Hy,
I am located in United Kingdom,London.You probably wonder why I am selling the bike in US if I am in United Kingdom...well I have made the bigmistke to buy a bike from US thinking that I can ride it here and get it registered but the thing is that i can not register it in United Kingdom and I can not get it registered.I am forced to sell it back to a US buyer do the fact that the bike has US documents and papers.I am willing to pay the shipping from United Kingdom to US there is no problem.
I wait your e-mail and tell me if you are interested to buy it?
Thanks!

So I wrote something up to be sent back to him....


deko,
That is great that you are located in the London. My wife and I hear that there are some great swinger clubs there. Perhaps after I buy this bike from you, my wife and I could fly to london and go to one of these clubs. My wife loves some three way action. Maybe you would be willing to let her pee on you, she is really into that sort of thing, but it is not for me. I am really looking foward to buying this bike from you. I plan on riding around with my wife while her finger is in my ass.... Do you like things in your ass? Is there a different helmet that goes along with that bike? Please email me back and tell me the address to where I need to send the cash... I lost that information

his response....

do you make fun of me?

Our response....

No, I just really don't like that helmet. I did not mean any offense, if that is the only helmet you have, then I will take it. Just like my wife takes it in the ass. I just did not like the color of the helmet. Please send me the mailing info again. I really want this bike.

So that may have been a little much. We should have done this a lot slower but, it was fun. I am willing to bet though that the guy will reply back soon.

**he responded with this**

Hi ,For payment and delivery we can use a secure way for both .We can do the deal safe using Air Express Transport Company .( www.airexpress-trans.com ).I will explain you step by step who this service work They are 5 easy steps :1 . I will deposit the bike to our custody .2 . Once the bike will be deposited i will send you the tracking number to verify the shipment and to see if everthing are ok ( The bike deposited in your name and address).3. Once the bike Is deposited to the Air Express Transport Company you must send the payment to the Air Express Transport Company agent name and address using western union .4. Once the payment has been has been send to the Air Express Transport Company agent the bike will be delivered to your shipping address.5 . We have made the deal sure , easy and fast.So if you agree with my way to make the deal email me with your full name and address and tommorow morning i can deposit the bike on the Air Express Transport Company custody.Thank you ,

*REPLY*

I am so excited!!!! I told my wife about the bike and how I want to drive around on it with her finger in my ass. she is totally stoked about the idea as well. I would assume that the vibration from the bike would just make my wife's finger feel ever so delightful. You know what im sayin? Of course you know what im saying, you naughty man you. So when we fly to London are you going to pick us up at the airport, or are you just going to meet us at the swingers club? details details details...

Arturo juan baptiste de la verga smith
806-468-6500

Friday, March 31, 2006 

A Fun Little Story

I am going to tell you all a story. It may seem bizarre, and to most people obviously just a story, but many people accept this following story as the truth. Bare with me here.

Around 75 million years ago, there was a handsome fellow, who went by the name of Xenu. Good old Xenu (or z dog as his buddies called him), was the ruler of a galactic confederacy that was made up of twenty-six stars and seventy-six planets. One of which was Earth, known at the time as Teegeeack. Xenu's confederacy was suffering from over population, around 178 billion per planet. So what would do if you were the ruler of an over populated galactic empire? Obviously you would send a shitload of your non constituents on space crafts that looked exactly like the DC-8 plane, to teegeeack (earth) to blow them up with volcanoes. Duh. This is what the DC-8 looks like - http://enzyklopadie.cc/de/media/c/c6/douglas_dc_8.jpg. So anyway, with the assistance of psychiatrist, all the people to be killed were drugged with alcohol and glycol, which then paralyzed the victims. When the planes reached earth and all the cute girls were molested, the paralyzed bodies were stacked around several volcanoes all over the world.... Ok so I added in the molested thing, but come on, you know you would sneak a peek, don't lie. So after the billions of bodies were stacked around the volcanoes, Hydrogen bombs were used to set the volcanoes off simultaneously. There were only a few bodies that physically survived this. Of course anyone with an IQ above 2.5 would know that this explosion would blow all the souls (thetans) from these bodies into the air. To keep these souls from coming back, Xenu used electronic ribbons to capture them. Imagine giant sticky fly paper. After trapping all these souls he took them to what you could call a movie theater and made them watch a 3D movie for about thirty-six days. This movie was meant to confuse them and to tell them what life should be like. The images in this movie were God, Satan, and Christ. This was implanting, more concisely it was the r6 implant. This put the misleading data and all things religion into the memory of all the souls. Apparently these souls attach to us, and fuck us up. As for our beloved ruler Xenu, he was over thrown and locked away in a mountain on one of the planets with a force field that is powered with a never dying battery. Take that you pink little fag bunny....

Have you guessed what story this is? It is what is known as incident 2 in the religion of Scientology. This is what you learn in the third level. To advance through the levels you have to pay though.... The top level is said to cost you about 380,000 dollars. That is a comma in the middle of those numbers, not a period.

Son of a bitch, after I molest me some pre pubescent children, like L. Ron Hubbard and Joseph Smith, I’m going to create a religion. In my religion it will be revealed that we were all created by candy corn. Sounds good right?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 

Jipped

Post Deleted

Friday, March 24, 2006 

Pass the bottle

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11965237/ - this is bullshit. This is the kind of shit that almost makes me want to cheer for Osama, and it is in Texas no less. Police in San Antonio and Dallas have started "pre-empted strikes" on drunks. They are sending undercover agents into bars to arrest people that are drunk. They can do this legally, because whether you are driving or not and even if you are in a bar, it is drunk in public. What would your reaction be if you were having a night out with friends and getting drunk at a bar, then all of a sudden some fucknut with a badge is arresting you? I do not think that there is anyone that I work with that this could not happen to, except maybe shane. Brent better watch out. Do you agree with what they are doing? All I have to say is that I hope these officers get hit by a drunk driver.

Another thing worth discussing, since some of you are mothers.... In Washington D.C. a man forgot his 7 month old daughter in the car, because he was trying to catch a train. He didn't realize it until he was at his destination. Firefighters were called by people who found the child locked in the car. The girl was returned to her mother. Child Protective Services said that they do not believe the child was intentionally left in the car. I brought this up, because it has a vote in this article. The question is "Does the father deserve to be punished for leaving his baby daughter in the car as he raced to catch his train?" There are almost 30,000 votes and "No" has 51%. What do you think? I personally think it was just an accident, and the father must me mortified. Here's the article, go vote for yourself. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11982453/
*edit*
I am writing this at almost 2am, and I have been here since 3pm. So this entire damn post might not make sense and that also goes for comments I left on various blogs. So I do not need spelling and grammar hints, This would be better if someone like Debbie H. would show up to work her shift. Just kidding Debbie, thanks for being a slacker and letting me steal your hours.

**03/26/06**
Holy shit I am bored. I need to quit my job and be a stay at home husband. Im gonna leave early tonight so I can go watch a movie, have lots of sex with my wife and/or girlfriend, and sleep all fucking day tommorrow. I plan on getting shitfaced drunk tommorrow night after class, and perhaps play a little poker or raquetball. 2hrs and 13 minutes til I can leave... So I was telling brenda that they should fire the fat smelly security guard that works here and hire two cute young female guards, preferrably with bi-sexual tendacies.... wouldn't that be great. We should write a letter to the security company.