Friday, July 28, 2006 

Work Blows

Work truly sucks monkey nuts tonight. No offense intended to any monky lovers, I would just view sucking monkey nuts as a very unpleasant prospect, much like working tonight. Aty is gone on maternity leave, which prompted a schedule change, which prompted Isabel to quit, causing me to be stuck here tonight all by myself. I seem to be getting nothing but idiotic callers tonight calling in multiple claims.....

So anyways, since everyone is leaving work it would appear that I must be updating this blog for Sam's pleasure alone.... and all the others who do not comment. Oh well. Not much new to say, though I do leave for Chicago here in a day or two. I got my Uncle to get me a suite at the Marriot for free. Other than arriving there, I am not really sure what my plans are... I will just figure things out as I go. Out of all the places we take claims for the only one that is a restaurant in Chicago is Sweet Tomatoes. So it is still my plan to go there and have them call in a claim for me, but I was thinking.... Instead of telling them that I slipped on urine in the restroom... If I can keep a straight face, I am going to tell them that I got food poisoning from their chicken. I am going to tell them that it caused explosive diarrhea and vomitting, excorsist style. Then the diarrhea got onto my new shoes, because things were so bad that I didn't know what was up from down, while searching for a toilet... Think I can act serious while saying that? I am going to try....

My family has a website so that we can always bullshit and post and blah blah blah. One of my cousins has apparently been in Israel during the last couple of weeks. He was there when the fighting broke out. For those who are completely blind and deaf (Sam), there have been hundreds killed in fighting in the last 17 days. I do not really know for sure what it is that my cousin does... He is a business consultant and as far as I know he does a little of everything. I know he is the biggest penny pincher I have ever met, which is strange considering that he is pretty damn wealthy (He lives next door to the Waltons, of Walmart fame). Anyway, since I do not have much to write about as of now.... Here is what he wrote

"I kept from posting while I was in Israel a couple of weeks ago, as it occurred to me that no one knew I was there except Dad.

Anyway, I'm back now but here's something interesting:

Tuesday- when all of the mess over there really started- I was in Carmiel and Haifa. As an American, I asked the Israeli's if there was anything to be concerned about (you should know that the US department of Transportation has had a standing travel advisory to Americans visiting Israel for the last 7 years). The answer was simply, "no, no, no, a missile has never come this far into the country."

The next day we were in central Israel when a missile hit 300 yards from the building I was standing in the previous day when I asked that question in Carmiel. Every day since then, Haifa has been showered with missiles.

Believe it or not, you guys had more information about what was going on via CNN then I did while I was in the midst of it all. Were it not for the constant calls from family and friends in the states updating us on what was happening we would have never known it.

On Thursday night (the worst day of fighting inside Israel in the last 20 years), my company hosted a party of 400 people including ex-prime minister Peres and several other ex- ministers in the open on the beach on the Mediterranean Sea. Other than the occasional military helicopter flying overhead, it was business as usual.

I guess you view defense a little differently when you've been defending yourselves as far back as history is kept. Needless to say, if Cuba started bombing Miami, I'm not sure the folks in Daytona Beach would continue their normal lives.

Anyway, I guess we can all look forward to higher gas prices- at the very least."

Sunday, July 02, 2006 

Watch Out For the Herpes

I have about one more hour to kill before I get off of work. I have not the slightest clue as to what I should write about, but I need to pass the time. So everyone knows that I have been talking about getting scuba certified for ages now. It just so happens that my father's best friend has just bought a scuba diving school here, so I will be certifed with in the month. He also plans on adding sky diving to it, so I will not be able to pussy out anymore by making up excuses for not doing it. This guy loves sky diving as much as my dog loves it when I put peanut butter on my nuts. That was totally a joke, she prefers jelly. Seriously though, this guy is a fanatic. He owns all the gear needed for jumping, parachutes, and even a powered parachute. I always make plans to go jump with him, but some miraculous force always intervenes. Perhaps it is the sand that is trickling out of my vagina (theres your south park reference). I have not asked him yet, but I am hoping that he will let me go there everyday to swim. The pools at the gyms here are always packed with people that can swim way more laps than I can, but I love the workout you get from swimming. It is the greatest workout. If not, I know I can go swim at his house whenever, but still it would be nice to have private access to a clean pool year round.

My mother's boyfriend of the last ten years has just turned sixty. Unfortunately, the son of a bitch is not likely to die anytime soon, since his father is still alive at eighty-five today. However, my mother did throw a huge party for him and this consisted of inviting nearly every lawyer in Amarillo. I was tempted to go to the party just to make lawyer jokes to all of his rich stuck up asshole friends. The front of my mother's house looked like a BMW sales lot. Since my siblings are not fond of this cocksmooch either, my wife was the only family member that went to the party. This means that my mother is giving my wife antiques that she has no space for since they just took another trip to buy more antiques.... My house is filling up rather nicely. All I need to do is send my wife to every event planned for him....

A couple of things in the news right quick.... Ever wonder what it would be like to have an erection for ten years straight? I just assumed it was like being fourteen years old for ten years in a row, but apparently not....
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13509704/ ... This guy has an implant that has malfunctioned and cannot be removed. I wonder if they allow him in the pictures at family reunions? Another thing that I thought was interesting..... A sex toy company located in the United Kingdom has announced that they are looking for sperm tasters. Thats right, just imagine that on your resume. The company is searching for a sexually active couple who will be prepared to test a new pill designed to change the taste of semen.The pill, which is taken as a twice-a-day for 30 days, claims to mask the traditionally salty taste of male ejaculate with a refreshing apple-like flavour. Successful applicants will take the pill for 30 days and will use an online blog to provide a blow-by-blow account of how the taste of their partner's sexual fluid changes. I wonder if I could convince my wife to apply.... Anywho, the site is blocked up here at work. Here it is for the rest of you http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/ .

I get off in a few minutes, so I am not going to proof read. Forgive the errors.